after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
