he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
sick fucks of a feather flock together
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
