My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
did you just send me my own nude
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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