I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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