I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
