just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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