This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
