some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
and you fell through a lawn chair
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
