i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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