Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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