and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
