If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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