as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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