Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
