i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
