I'm really into asian looking animals
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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