i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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