Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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