From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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