I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
