Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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