remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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