At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
there is glitter all over my balls
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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