He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
