your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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