Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
