i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
