I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
