I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
