I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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