but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
