Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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