oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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