I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
