I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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