the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize