Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
