okay pat passed out under dana's car
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
