Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
