Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
