Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
