today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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