you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
