Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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