So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
