you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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