I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
well, you know. whores of a feather.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize