i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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