ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
