i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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