i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize