I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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