I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
