i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
