I will die if light touches me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
