Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
