phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
