Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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