Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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