If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
