And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
