man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
is it fun? or sober?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
