Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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