I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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