you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
